A Scene I Can't Erase

It has been seventeen days since Lola died and yet, I already miss her a lot. Last January 4, 2014, my beloved grandmother passed away after suffering in the state of coma for five days. Those five days were pure torture for us. And I couldn't even close my eyes for the fear of waking up with an SMS on my phone saying that she's gone.

Last March 2013, I promised to her that I would visit her. I'm taking residence in Cebu together with my mom and dad while my dad's family (Lola is Papa's mom) lives in Davao. Its not often that I get to visit her. Due to the busy life in the city much more, since I'm studying, I don't even get to talk to her often over the phone. Well, last March, I promised her that I would be there after my graduation. I was so excited that time - so eager to see her; so eager to be with my family in Davao. Then, days after my graduation, I got a call for a job offer. I accepted the job and thus, postponed my visit to Davao. My mom and dad told me that it would be wise to cancel that vacation and focus on work first since I can go home to Davao on my own whim once I have my own income. That made sense. So, I followed my mom and dad's advice. I called Lola and told her about my plan which she said she fully understood. I promised to be with her on the upcoming Christmas of 2013.

December 2013 - My supposed visit was then again cancelled due to my job's high demand. Recruitment was pretty demanding at that time because there were a lot of open positions and most of them were technical positions. I just couldn't leave my partner alone much more, leave heaps of tasks on my table. I broke my promise again. I told my aunt (dad's eldest sister) that I'll be visiting on the coming of June of 2014. But, the Lord has a different plan. On the last week of December 2013, my grandmother fell tremendously ill. Half of her body got paralyzed and resulted to coma. When I heard the news, I knew that in one way or another the promise that I made is bound to break.

January 4, 2014 - After days of frightening calls about Lola's worsening condition, my family and I decided to fly to Davao immediately. The plane ticket was booked at exactly 2:00 PM on the said day. I was excited. Excited because finally, I can see her. I can go home. I can go home to the other half of me. On that day, I was just so disturbed. Maybe it was because of the many sleepless nights and horrifying news, but, really, that day was just so distracting for me. I went to church with my teammate and talked to Lola through my prayers. I prayed for her condition to get better and at the same time telling her that she can let go if she wants to. It would hurt me, it would hurt us but I just couldn't imagine her suffering even more. Just as I left the church, I received a call from my dad; his voice was broken and I knew he was crying: "Your Lola is gone.". I didn't felt the ground beneath me when the call ended. I couldn't even summon the strength to take another step and walk. Instead, I found myself inside a taxi, heading home without nothing in my head but the ringing of Papa's words.

The next day, I was in Davao already. At first, I refused to believe that she's gone. I refused to take it into my heart that I lost my grandma. Maybe, all of those things that I heard was just a mistake. Maybe when I get there, I will see her, with her arms wide open like she always does when I arrived from Cebu before. But then, reality took its place when, instead of a warm hug, a coffin was waiting for me there with my grandma inside. For nights, after the prayers and ceremonies, I didn't left her side. I took the turn of being with her almost every night because I wanted to at least compensate with the times that I should've been there for her. For all those promises that were broken, I wanted to make it up to her. Because I love her so much.

Dear Lola, 

The tears that I shed right now is not because I am sad. It's because I miss you already. I miss your songs. I miss your tender kisses and warm hugs. I miss your stories and your jokes. I miss how you play with my hair. I miss how you watch over me whenever I wonder and bathe in the sea. I miss you... I miss you so much. Please kiss Lolo for me. I miss him, too. I miss both of you.

I love you so much.

-K